Flog the Pain Away: Therapist Kate Loree explores the healing potential of BDSM

photo: Hollywood Music Magazine

(this interview was conducted as part of a larger, collaborative project surveying LA's sex positive revolution. check out the website by clicking here)

One of the tenets of sex positivity is the absolute inclusion of all forms of sexual expression, ideologically eliminating any preconception of “normal”. But, in your practice, do your clients in alternative relationships form a sort of bell curve where one or two dynamics are fairly common or prevalent? (perhaps even normal?)

My practice is pretty much 97% sex workers, kinky, poly, porn stars. Every now and then, I’ll have a transgender client. The folks that come to me, in terms of polyamory—that identify as non monogamous or poly—are your traditional married couple with a hierarchy, their spouse being primary and their boyfriends and girlfriends following that.

I’ve been working with people who’d gone through sexual abuse for about a decade. I work with a team in a hospital facilitating group therapy, where a lot of clients have trauma and sexual molestation history.

 I guess my purpose in life is to reduce sexual shame.

Notably the APA revised the pathologization kinks and fetishes in the DSM V, deeming proclivities that do not elicit distress or angst are perfectly healthy. What role does psychiatry and psychotherapy have in medicalizing or mediating the public’s erotic lives?

The field of psychology has played a big part in shaming this practice. It wasn't too long ago when the DSM, the bible of psychiatry, said that you were mentally ill for your private preferences. But the field is slowly coming to realize that many healthy individuals and couples engage in BDSM safely. Irrational doubt seems to be instilled in people by society. Some people outside of the BDSM community assume that if a male is a Dominant,he must be abusive. And, if a female is a submissive, she must be a victim or weak, as setting the women’s movement back 40 years.

The reality is often the polar opposite of that stereotype. For instance, many subs, both male and female, have high power jobs and cherish being able to escape their stressful responsibilities while under the control of a Dom. With this thought in mind, perhaps you’ll look at our politicians and CEOs a bit differently now.

The BDSM community does not condone non-consensual activities. Instead, BDSM is an erotic expression that may or may not include sex and involves the consensual use of bondage, intense sensory stimulation, and fantasy power role-play. Discipline is played out within the context of dominance and submission, and those roles they map out.

Do your patients who survived traumatic experiences find some solace in spaces that a BDSM scene sets up? It’s intensely vulnerable, highly sensory, and seems like it must require thorough negotiation and rules, especially when playing with a trauma survivor. How can someone go about exploring BDSM without hurting someone else?

BDSM is an intense practice, precisely because it is one of intense connection. To quote Lee, the main character in the BDSM themed movie, Secretary, “I feel more than I’ve ever felt and I’ve found someone to feel with. To play with. To love in a way that feels right for me.”

 As a psychotherapist, I can only back BDSM community members who set the safety bar very high, especially as their activities become more extreme. No one should ever require medical care (beyond a small Band-aid) and the ideal is psychological healing rather than damage. In terms of its impact trauma, at its best, BDSM could provide a beautiful and powerful healing experience. At its worst, a BDSM experience could be completely re-traumatizing.  For some people with trauma histories, BDSM should be entirely avoided and is too risky. If triggered, a person with a trauma history could go into a panic attack or a negative dissociative state. If the sub goes into a negative dissociative experience, the dom could interpret that state as perfectly normal sub behavior. For others, simply negotiating a scene in advance and weeding out potential triggers might be enough.

 So let’s talk about the potential for healing. Trauma is stored inside of us as a body memory. Some schools of psychotherapy like Somatic Experiencing and the Trauma Resiliency Model work to reprocess and release that bundled trauma. Similarly, BDSM play can produce a healing emotional release and provide a corrective experience. Some subs have described amazing corrective experiences that help them rewrite their original trauma. Their play might be loosely reminiscent of the trauma, but the scene creates a new and positive outcome. This new outcome begins to rewrite the original damaging body memory.

 There are some standards that I uphold as prerequisites to safe, sane, responsible BDSM practice. One important foundational skill is high emotional intelligence, intuition, and ability to be honest. Another is the practical knowledge of equipment and gear that they’ll be using, and their effects on the body. Knowledge of the body’s physiology and its limitations is absolutely necessary, as is knowing the limitations that state law might have on a scene.

Most importantly is that a solid relationship must be established between the participants. Trust and love can open avenues to healing our minds, bodies, and spirits.